Citizen 250Q

The Devil Goes Broke, Not Buying Souls Anymore

There was turmoil in Hades after it emerged the Devil has gone broke and would not be buying souls anymore.

Thousands of people had been queueing at his headquarters deep in the Congo forest, near Goma, after we revealed how to sell your soul to the devil in five simple steps a few days back.

“We knew something was wrong when demons at the gate kept telling us to wait,” said Ruto who was seeking campaign money for a presidential race. “When we stormed in and demanded an explanation the devil said he was broke and couldn’t buy our souls.”

Esciora Phinoki, the Chief Auditor in Heaven and Hell, mentioned he had been waiting for this pitfall but did not expect it would happen so soon.

“I noticed the devil’s funds were running low in 2017. His accounts ran completely dry three years later just before our heavenly father released the COVID 19 virus,” he said.

Phinoki intimated things became more grave as 2020 proceeded. “As the world economy deteriorated, more people approached him seeking to sell their souls. He had no liquid cash and couldn’t turn them away thus he opted to borrow from his subordinate demons, the World Bank and China.”

The auditor revealed the devil purchases souls using upkeep money allocated to him every millennium by his heavenly father.

“He is just a spoilt kid who has been staying at his father’s basement since the beginning of time,” Phinoki concluded.

A demon close to him agreed to talk to our reporter only under conditions of keeping her anonymous.

“You will have to withhold my name, if you get me banished I will haunt you for the rest of your miserable life. The devil is addicted to gambling, has poor financial management skills, and has engaged in countless bad investments.”

She revealed many mortals con him and lie about the actual worth of their souls.
“The collected souls a sold to Egyptian god Anubis after 666 years. We are often disappointed to see the little amount we make in return.”

Egyptian gods Anubis, Ra and Thoth weighing souls.jpeg

Overwhelmed, stressed and desperate the devil hid in a bunker and only emerged after people had stormed his compound.

Witnesses said they usually saw him clean-cut and smart wearing Prada but on that Saturday he was humongous, had talons and scales on his limbs.

It was also reported his eyes were burning with sulphur and brimstone. People did not nudge even after he had roared at them to walk away.

It was at this point he raised his 27 feet tail to its highest point and streams of lightning formed at its tip. He then struck it on the ground with a deafening whoosh.

Simultaneously, there were strong winds, thunders, the moon tuned black and the nearby Nyiragongo volcanic mountain erupted.

Our demon source mentioned the eruption was meant to chase away the people and would fizzle down once everyone had cleared out of the area and the devil had decided what to do next.

You are warned against trying to contact the devil at this period. We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds.

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Death Refuses to do Apart Yet Another Couple

“Till death do us apart” is a promise uttered by many couples on the pulpit at the verge of entering into a lifetime commitment.
Happily ever after is expected and even prayed for.

For yet another time, death has refused to end the relationship of an Aussie couple.
“They may have wanted me to end their marriage but other factors got there before I could.

There was a lot of communication, bad sex, unmanaged emotions, and bad financial management.”

Death said he does not regret separating the couple for he had better things to do.
“I was spending time with my wife and family.”

Why Uhuru Was Absent at the Wedding of Ruto’s Daughers

President Uhuru Kenyatta and William Ruto at the National Prayer Breakfast

President Uhuru Kenyatta was notably absent at the wedding of June Ruto and Nigerian Alex Ezenagu held in Karen on Thursday.

Uhuru and his Deputy, William Ruto, had been playing hide and seek for months until they met at the 18th Annual National Prayer Breakfast where their secret wishes and fears were made public.

The two bumped elbows and could be seen enjoying each other’s company even though the tension in the air was high.

Their meeting was unexpected and led many Kenyans to speculate Uhuru would be present at Ruto’s daughter’s wedding later in the day.

However, when the time came for June to say “I do,” and when cameras started flashing, Uhuru was nowhere to be seen.

Uhuru at the National Defence University graduation in Karen.

It later emerged, the Head of State was attending a graduation ceremony at the National Defence University-Kenya just a few hundred meters from Ruto’s home.

Our sources at State House revealed the graduation ceremony was perfectly timed to coincide with June’s wedding.

“Everyone knows there is bad blood between the two we had to strategize how Uhuru could miss the wedding without raising suspicion. The graduation ensured the two leaders did not have to fake their connection during the wedding.”

The source also said the son of Jomo was allergic to some ingredients used to make the cake.

“He explicitly said he can’t attend a wedding if he was not going to eat, it beat the whole point.”

President Uhuru awarded a charter to the National Defence College, making the military institution the first specialist university in the country under the Universities Act of 2012.