Citizen 250Q

How to Sell Your Soul To the Devil in Five Simple Steps

Are you an artist in search of fame? A politician in search of prominence or a businessman in search of influence? Do you want riches?

The devil is always looking for souls to buy and you can easily conduct a Faustus bargain without an agent. In this Faustus bargain, you will offer your soul in exchange for diabolical favors. These favors mostly include youth, knowledge, wealth, fame, power, attractive mates, or anything you can dream of.

We talked to a soul broker Dr. Emi Angole who revealed steps for anyone to get the best deal for their souls.

“Even if you think you’re lucky and smart enough to beat Beelzebub at his own game, selling your soul isn’t as easy as starting an auction on eBay.

Devils, like doctors, have specialties. You first have to decide what devil you want to deal with,” Dr. Emi said.

“Thousands have gained riches and fulfilled their fantasies.”

Here are some tips from Dr. Emi on how you can take advantage of the same opportunity:

1. Set the deal
After deciding the devil you want to bargain with, sit cross-legged in a dark silent room with one lit candle. Close your eyes and whisper, “Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right.” Repeat this until the candle is blown off to indicate the entity’s presence.

2. Deal from a position of power
Do not underestimate how badly the devil wants your soul, it is priceless to Satan. Don’t be the one to make the first offer.

3. Get the best deal by any means
There’s no way you’re getting a square deal out of the devil, and you’re going to Hell anyway. You might as well try to pull one over on him.

4. Ask for a life extension plan.
This is a loophole that devils get away with always. All pacts come with a guarantee of 400 years of youth but none will tell you if you don’t ask.

5. No unnecessary questions.
Do not try to dig deep into the business by asking questions about what your soul will be used for or where it will be taken. Devils are irked by these questions and will strike you dead if you persist.

No publicity is bad publicity.
Even if you don’t make a deal with the devil, you might as well let people think you did. It’s good publicity to help in pushing your brand.

Do not pay cash to anyone, this process is free of charge and you can do it at the comfort of your home. Anyone asking for a blood sacrifice is dangerous to the Satanic Souls Conglomerate.

Trial By Comment Section: Online Trolls Speak Out

Millions of netizens have fallen prey to the average, uninformed person enjoying/abusing the privilege given to them by the comment sections.
Victims of these ‘kangaroo courts’ are met with harsh criticism, hate, homophobia, racism, prejudice among others.

All one has to do is post a photo or thought and wait for comments. Within a few minutes, replies start flowing in and the violence of words begins.

In the popular comment culture, all people are invited to weigh in on all issues at all times, expertise is devalued, and people are compelled to speak before thinking. It has infected public discourse, and troubled hearts, and impaired our minds.

Karen, a notorious troll, reported she usually comments because her opinions matter and she is also exercising her freedom of speech.
“I approach the comment section poised to attack. It’s a brutal world in the replies and I go in guns loaded.”
She adopted this strategy after being overly victimized in the comment section.

Ottis, an expert critic, revealed the comment section has empowered him in ways he didn’t expect.
“I am uninformed about academics, research, and business but the comment section has given me a chance to criticize and devalue individuals who have spent years gaining expertise in these fields.”

Ottis regards himself as a jack-of-all-trade pundit who deserves a say on everything from the risks of COVID vaccines to the odds of the USA invading North Korea after Kim Jong Un’s death.
“The information is all in my fingertips when I google. Why should I not give my expert opinion?”

Whereas keyboard and online personas give commenters a sense of anonymity credits go to social media sites that are engineered to create an illusion of urgency for the average, uniformed person to weigh in on every issue.

Some sites have exploited the power of comment culture to drive traffic by generating content engineered to strike controversy.

“Comments to any site are important than views. The more the comments in a certain post the more the people are clicking back to the post, the more are refreshing their feeds to follow the conversation, the more the people the post reaches.” John the blogger mentioned.

Those who use reason, emotion, and historical context in perfect blend to handle false claims have their talents end up being pearls cast before swine in the comments.

“Comment threads are not productive places for meaningful discourse. They give amplification to voices that don’t belong in certain conversations.” Mark Zuckerberg said in a recent press release.

He advised those with meaningful thoughts to write essays and independently instead of wasting them in the comment section.

IMF Awards Uhuru For Solving Yet Another Problem He Created

The International Monetary fund has awarded President Uhuru US$ 307.5 million for solving yet another problem he created.

This comes two days after Uhuru relaxed the nationwide curfew and lifted travel restrictions within the country.

IMF awarded the Son of Jomo $1.655 billion for the new regulations.
“He has restored the trust we had in him.

Now that he has opened the country we are sure he has ready streams for this cash to flow into the pockets of those close to him.”

The three-year financing package will support the next phase of the authorities’ COVID-19 looting and their plan to earn more while grabbing resources and mishandling vulnerable groups.

Trade experts indicated the new regulations will lead to economic growth and improvement of living standards.

“Most local businesses had been paralyzed by the 7-pm curfew and some industries obliterated. Everyone now has a chance to start again and return to a state of normalcy.”

Uhuru’s supporters were overly excited at his Saturday decision that they hinted they were ready to vote him in for a third term.

“This is direct proof of how much Uhuru cares for Kenyans’ welfare. We don’t care about his lax in dealing with corruption and continuously taking loans and grants to feed the beast.”

Netizens took to Twitter to than Uhuru for not listening to his advisors this time round.