Ruto Explains Why no Hustler Was Allowed in His Daughter’s Wedding

From Left: Dp William Ruto, Rachel, June and Alex

Deputy President William Ruto has been the self-declared king of all hustlers in the country and maybe beyond.

According to Ruto, hustler nation includes casual workers, those living from hand to mouth or below a dollar every day. His hustler narrative has gained wide popularity in grassroot Kenya.

This narrative originated from his humble beginnings as a chicken seller at Kambi Kuku market along the busy Eldoret— Malaba Highway.

However, he completely abandoned the idea during the wedding of his daughter Jane. The lady was getting married to Alex Ezenagu from Nigeria.

No one with a hustler tag could be seen during the Thursday event. He explained the wedding had to be held in the middle of the week when all hustlers are busy in their workstations to prevent them from gate-crushing.

Ruto’s allies at the even held in Karen

“A poorly dressed hustler should not be allowed to ruin a themed wedding. Most of them can not afford the materials we used.”

Ruto also said hustlers are notorious for giving well-wrapped spoons as gifts and Ksh 100 notes stashed in envelopes to newlyweds.

“It cost millions to set up such a memorable event those attended must be affluential enough to give gifts worthy of the event.”

The Deputy President concluded by saying, “it was not my wedding I had no control over the guest list.”

A few hours before the wedding, Ruto had attended the 18th Annual National Prayer Breakfast where his secret wishes and fears were made public.

June Ruto says “I do” to her Nigerian lover Alexander Ezenagu.

Uhuru, Ruto Secret Prayers and Fears

President Uhuru meets his long lost ally during the 18th Annual National Prayer Breakfast

After months of playing hide and seek, President Uhuru Kenyatta and his Deputy William Ruto finally met during the 18th Annual Prayer Breakfast on Thursday.

Uhuru and Ruto bumped their elbows with plastic smiles beneath their face masks. Our journalist present at the event said the tension in the air could be cut with a knife.

“It was obvious there is still bad blood within them. They were meeting for the clout.”

Uhuru secretly prayed for common mwanachi to like him again, accept him for his misdoings, and sing songs praising him. He also wished for a third term in office to solidify his family’s grip on the country.

Ruto on the other hand only asked that he be the sole aspirant during the 2022 Presidential Elections.

One of their many choreographed moves

While this move has blinded their supporters it has also shifted forces within political alliances.

The event held in Parliament Building brought together leaders such as newly appointed Chief Justice Martha Koome, Chief Registrar of the Judiciary Anne Amadi, Amani leader Musalia Mudavadi and Wiper’s Kalonzo Musyoka.

Also present were other high-ranking government officials and top-profile politicians. It was obvious no common citizen had been invited begging the question, what were they praying for?

“God chuckled as the lions at the breakfast asked for health, peace and long life for rabbits and deers across the nation,” Miguna Miguna told our reporter.

After the prayers, UhuRuto, and their colleagues went on grabbing national assets and looting public coffers. The judiciary powerless, watching them from the sidelines.

Earlier, the two said they fear what the public would do when they realize the breakfast was just a way to dupe and distract them from the looting and grabbing.

Family Ordered to Exhume Mugabe’s Corpse for Spiritual Ritual

Mugabe’s last public appearance

A Zimbabwe Chief has ordered the corpse of revolutionary leader Robert Gabriel Mugabe to be exhumed.

Chief Stanly Wurayayi Mhondoro directed Mugabe’s widow Grace Mugabe to exhume the remains and reburry them at the National Heroes Acre in Harare within 30 days.

Grace was found guilty of breaking traditional norms for burying Mugabe in his home and fined five cows and a goat. She was also ordered to pay for exhumation and reburial.

Wurayayi who has been known to envy Mugabe’s fashion style for eons also ordered the late president’s clothes and belongings to be surrendered to him.

Although the chief said the decision was made after a complaint lodged by a clan member, a family spokesman intimated Wurayayi was after Mugabe’s power.

“He wants our father’s body for traditional rituals. The witches saw the thirst for power burning in his eyes and gave him this task.”

Mugabe’s closest son refused to comment on the issue noting it was none of his business.

Peanuts Prices Hike After Being Used to Pay Workers

A worker counting their monthly pay

Peanut farmers all over the globe are rejoicing after peanut prices doubled in the last couple of days.

Common Wealth market expert Eliud Mtare indicated this boom will last till the month ends. However, one farmer revealed this is not a new phenomenon.

“Every farmer worth the title knows prices go up every last week of the month. It is profitable to have peanuts in store during the time.”

Mtare mentioned the peanuts are used as payment to casual, permanent, and contract workers.

“Big American corporations use them to pay sweatshop workers in Asia. In Africa, these nuts are used as salaries to government and private company workers. Most essential workers are also paid in peanuts.”

Mtare speculated that corporations, government parastatals, and private companies may start growing the crop to cut down their expenses.

Govt Advices Kenyans to Wear Life Jackets Outside Incase of Rain

Floods experienced across the country

The Government through Kenya Meteorological Department has directed members of the public to wear life jackets whenever outside due to torrential rainfall throughout the country.

This mandate is supposed to reduce the number of Kenyans drowning in massive floods.

“Look, unfortunately, the rainy season is just starting,” said KMD Director Stella Maris Aura. “We had hoped it would not rain this hard, but even we must admit, you now have to put a life jacket on when going outside.” 

Exempted from this rule are people who have taken swimming lessons at an approved swim lesson site. 

Nairobi floods

Despite the directive, many pastoralist communities announced they would not wear life jackets until a way was devised to save their livestock.

“I am not scared of freak floods but my animals are,” mentioned Emmanuel LolKerra of Samburu County. “They have to take these cows into account and provide life jackets for them.”

Unscrupulous businessmen are expected to make killer profits from this new directive.

A senior government official hinted the move was adopted because it is cheaper than building effective drainage systems and setting up appropriate disaster management strategies.

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