Citizen 250Q

Mosquito Beats President Uhuru in Recent Polls

A mosquito has shocked thousands of netizens after beating President Uhuru Kenyatta in a recently conducted poll.

The poll conducted on Twitter by one Sankara required Kenyans to either retweet for Uhuru or like for the mosquito.

From the onset of the poll, it was clear that on Sunday Uhuru’s popularity was nowhere near that of the mosquito.

Until the time this was published, Uhuru had twelve retweets while the mosquito had garnered hundreds of likes.

On further investigation, our reporter noticed that all the retweets were from Jomo Kenyatta’s bloodline.

Several presidential staffers indicated the phenomenon was a result of Saturday night showdown on Thika road.

“I retweeted because when a mosquito sucks my blood I have a chance to slap it. It’s a whole different case when Uhuru does the same.

He has been sucking public coffers dry and there seems to be nothing I can do about it.” One Twitter user mentioned.

He went ahead to lay blame on popular musician Ben Githae for convincing him to vote twice in the embattled 2017 general elections.

The mosquito will address the nation later in the evening accompanied by his fellow bloodsuckers.

Uhuru with his 2017 General election sycophant Ben Githae

Wife Locks Jayden Out Of State House After Spending Night on Thika Road

There was drama at State House after the First Lady locked Jayden out.
It is reported this ensued after he spent Saturday night on Thika Super Highway with thousands of Kenyans blocked from accessing the city.

Several major roads leading in the city including Thika Road, Langata Road, Mombasa Road, Waiyaki Way and Jogoo Road had police roadblocks causing major traffic gridlock, with no cars allowed in and out of the city.
“She was all up in his face alleging he had been drinking the whole night,” a source privy to the scuffle revealed.
Efforts to get his guards to intervene bore no fruits as most of them sided with the wife.
The source further disclosed the closure of Thika Super Highway and all other roads reading into and out of the metropole was a ruse organized together with the Interior Ministry.
“He had a party planned in the suburbs and this was the only viable plan we could come up with.

The wife could not understand how he was locked out by his own police force.”
It was also revealed that Jayden could be seen pacing up and down the verandahs of State House as he could not spend not even a minute in the servant quarters open to him.
“The wife only calmed down after a priest who is also their family friend talked to her,” Itumbi, not his real name, mentioned.
No state house official was available to confirm this information.

That fateful Saturday night on Thika road

Vatican Fires Meru Priest For Repeatedly Doubting Confessions

Catholic Priests doing what they do best

The Vatican has fired a priest based in Meru for what they termed as confessional misconduct.
Our source mentioned the priest tended to doubt openly whether confessions of his congregants ever happened.
It is reported that on several occasions the priest had been heard shouting, “on today’s episode of things that never happened,” from the confessional.
This irked his parishioners who in turn have been lodging complaints with the Vatican for the past five years.
“Our efforts bore fruit after he was caught red-handed by our Bishop,” a source mentioned.

In the dismissal letter, the Vatican emphasized on the importance of accepting confessions without questions, just like the Bible truth.
In retalliation, the priest mentioned fiction should not be allowed to enter the realm of religion. He also thanked heavens for he finally has a chance to start his own family.